she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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