I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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