Porn is love you can see.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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