I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
