the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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