haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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