do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
