I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
