So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
