Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
