Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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