Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
