this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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