I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
