1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
