hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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