Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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