i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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