I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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