she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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