mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
