My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
