my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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