The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
