see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
