He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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