Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
