I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
