If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
