I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
