my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
