I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
this boner is exhausting
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
