So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
