Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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