I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
