please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
