I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
