I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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