I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
please come you make the beer taste better
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
