I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
