I think my vagina is haunted
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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