If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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