I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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