Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Apparently you make a good broom.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
