So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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