I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
