So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
