Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
