sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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