1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
