this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
